Between the dots #8

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6 August 2020

Time flies. Not only when having fun, but also when the world is turned upside down. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that I’m used to rough, but 2020 has shown me whole new levels of difficult. And I’m not quite sure that I want to write about it. Nevertheless, I’m going to give it a try, hoping that someone finds solace in reading my words. But if you’re sick and tired of hearing about chaos, please feel free to not read this post. Go do something that makes you happy instead. No hard feelings.

The sweet

I learned a long time ago to see beauty amidst chaos, so even when my overall life has fallen to pieces, I tend to just remember the nice things. It’s not an easy thing to learn, but I’m glad I did, for it gives me hope that someday everything will get better again.

The past two months I’ve spend a lot of time in the garden. Not that I did a lot of work, because my body failed me completely, and also because I’m quite good at delegating jobs that don’t interest me much. So, I created a design for the garden in the middle of the night, found the materials we need for cheap, and now I’m helping Matthijs in translating the drawing to the actual garden. He has been digging or paving with me giving some directions while I’m laying down in the grass with my book. Luckily, we are both happy to share the work in this way.

Another thing I enjoyed was giving two church services again. I often feel a strong urge to stop doing this work, but afterwards I always realize how much joy it brings me. One of the churches was near the beach where I used to come as a child, so afterwards we went there to have lunch and spent some time in the sand. It had been a while since I had sand between my toes, and it made me realize how much I need that every so often.

And a last happy thing: today, 6 August, marks precisely nine and a half year since Matthijs went on his first date with me, while I was going to drink a cup of tea with him. From the first time I saw him (two years before that) I knew this wouldn’t be a fling, but it still surprises me how good we have it together. Despite everything.

The sour

As I warned at the start of this post, it’s not going to be a happy one. I’ve struggled a lot. With people not keeping to the Covid-19 regulations. With people behaving like the world is back to normal while it isn’t. With finding my way in this strange world. With the amount of time and energy everything costs. With my health. Again.

But most of all, I struggle with the fact that even when I don’t have to be anywhere, I still can’t get myself to do the one thing I want most of all: pick up my books and start writing again. And it’s not that the subjects don’t interest me, or that I deep down prefer to quit my education. On the contrary. Even though I started down this career path while internally kicking and screaming, I do want to do this work more than anything. And in order to do this work, I have to have this master’s degree. I also chose all the topics I have to write on myself, and I’m looking forward to dive into them. But it’s still not happening.¬†Either my head or my body is completely failing me. Not at the same time, but in a sort of relay race. First one, then the other, and so on. And when I have a ‘good’ day, I’m thrown off for the silliest reasons like not waking up at the time I planned, or a phone call that drains all my energy. It’s so tiring to want to do something, but not being able to. But here’s a full stop to mark the end of this lamentation.

This week I’ve decided to start a new treatment. I don’t know if it will work, or that it’s even something that might help me for I haven’t had my intake meeting yet, but I do know that I’m done with running around in circles, or more aptly: spending half my days in bed. I want to move forward again.

The everyday

My everyday life has been truly uneventful due to everything I’ve written above. I spent most of my days either in bed, on the couch, or in the garden, reading or listening to books, playing stupid games, not being able to do anything. That’s why I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about the past months at all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an uneventful life. Actually, I prefer it. But not when I feel like this. Somewhere I feel sorry for you if you’ve read this entire complaint. I prefer to see the positive in everything, and I’m good at forgetting the uglier side of my life. But I’m also tired of pretending everything is fine. Because it’s not. And I believe we don’t have to keep up appearances.

That being said, I do hope to write something happier about the coming month. So, please bear with me. And feel free to share your stories as well. Because I believe it helps to write about whatever you’re going through. Until our next catch up.

Love, Hester

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